2(00)3: The Year that Shocked the World

According to the Mysterious Law of Fives (and thus the power of the 23 Enigma), 2003 was destined to be a cosmologically-enriched year. As Agent W Burroughs discovered decades ago (and taught to Metarchaeologist R A Wilson)¹, the Cosmos finds the number 23 especially seductive; the year 2 (zero zero) 3 could do nothing else but be Hypergalactically Important. We expected overt alien invasion, perhaps even the first grumpy rumblings of the Foretold Awakening... but nothing could have prepared us for the year that was, as it unfolded like a particularly beautiful, yet repugnantly pungent, 365-day-long flower before our wide and unbelieving eyes.

january:
As if by some pre-arranged signal, thousands of ordinary people celebrate the new year at exactly the same time, as governmentally-sanctioned incendiary missiles are fired relentlessly into the night sky, and dogs everywhere flee for the hills. Soon enough, the Big Day Out lets Australians experience the ancient-school audiomancery of Kraftwerk and the cosmik-drug-fuelled pop-rock of Queens of the Stone Age, while hip-hop-artiste “Xzibit called for all the niggaz in the house put your hands up, and thousands of spotty white bois threw their hands in the air. Its the thought that counts”². Long-time media-trawler Nalan discovers Intrepid Researcher David Icke, and changes the lives of everyone involved with the InterWebMegaLink, as we learn the terrible truth behind the angel-greys, and their relationship with the Magik Dragons from Beyond Time. Simultaneously, the Australian Government combats “Terror” by asking us not to be alarmed, making us all wonder what alarming secrets they are spending their $15 million anti-terror budget on... Electromancer ADMachine further pushes the boundaries of electronically masticated break-hop with his now-fabled album “Massif”, and, as if by utter coincidence, the Scratch Perverts, Krafty Kuts and Basement Jaxx visit the country. Sightings of Nyarlathotep are reported as far as Sheffield, Ohio, Lubbock, Footscray and Silicone Valley³.

february:
The streets of Melbourne are crammed with over 100,000 peace protestors, opposed to the imminent Blood Sacrifice about to be performed in Iraq. Such a turn-out proved beyond all doubt that the Truth about our scaly intergalactic oppressors is far more widely-accepted that anyone had previously thought, and that, in Melbourne at least, Earth Patriots are determined not to take such hyperdimensional conquest lightly. Simultaneouly, several high-profile Interwebmegalink acts are conspicuously omitted from the 45th grammy awards, and one of the the most famous Bee Gees of all, Maurice Gibb, dies of a heart attack. Utter coincidence? Only time can tell. Meanwhile, BOK releases her revolutionary Not Buying It, investigating the Media Enslavement to the Mainstream WarMachine, and sends her unfinished “Jackson Conspiracy Part One” to the Church of the SubGenius; almost immediately, Martin Bashirs documentary about the secret life of “Jackson” is aired, and is the biggest watched programme on Australian television. Authorities claim it is a “total coincidence”, and some media outlets go as far as to claim they have “never even heard of buttress okneel”...

march:
The Enochian-Greys replicant mainstream memetik-musikian-machine Delta Goodrem (also known as “unstoppable pop cyborg The D-2003”)⁴ takes over the number one place on the Australian Charts. Fighting back, “New Horizons in Violence” release their now-legendary single “The Worlds Worst Leaders”. Unbelievably, the D-2003 manages to remain firmly on top, deflecting the NHIV assault by morphing like liquid metal. Fake lesbians “tATu” are unleashed upon the world, controlled by the same megalomaniacal producer who masterminded the Buggles “Video Killed the Radio Star”; simultaneously, Missy E and Ludicris challenge the Enochian-Normals by releasing a pop song with chorus no-one can sing along to. Several reports of popular music fans spontaneously combusting as result⁵. Long-time memetic researchers and cultural assassins A D MacHine and Nalan celebrate their nine-year anniversary in the little peace-time there is left. Mike Moore wins best documentary Oscar, and accepts with a heartfelt and courageous pro-peace speech, met with jeers from replicants, enochians and mind-controlled humyns embedded in the crowd. In similar war-time MindBattle, George Michael is not allowed to wear anti-war t-shirt on Top of the Pops; and the Blood Sacrifice of Innocents begins in Iraq. The Annunaki grin with wicked interdimensional fangs.

april:
“A dark period in Australian live music began with the first noise complaints levelled at Fitroys Empress Hotel by residents committees. The City of Yarra council announced that the noise limit at the Empress would be 85 decibels. Hint: thats not very loud”⁶. Seemingly targeted by these volumophobic enjoyment-misers, Zanzibar Cob is forced to play locked in a secret underground room hidden behind a fake bookshelf somewhere in Belgrave. They are still too loud. Pop cyborg D-2003 continues anti-humyn onslaught in the charts with Innocent Eyes, as Madonnas American Life is roundly dismissed as being “too thoughtful” and “unsuitable for the vacuousness of the times”. In an undeniable sign of the Quickening, fully-grown rappers start acting like little girls, as Fiddy Cent throws a tantrum at Ja Rule and Ja Rule gets all stroppy about Fiddy Cent; and, upset about not being the centre of attention any more, Eminem joins in. “New Horizons in Violence” release now-legendary filmclip to Worlds Worst Leaders, a classic piece of revisionist mediarchaeology featuring W Bush saying 'I cant see because I cant hear', 'nucular weapons', and our all-time favourite, 'go home and die'.

may:
Mayday sees the second ever gig from infamous InterWebMegaLink Media Trio, and, simultaneously, due to popularity of Xzibits January tour and ADMs seminal Massif release, heaps of old-school hip hop starts visiting Australia, beginning with De la Soul and the recycling pioneer, Grandmaster Flash. W Bush announces victory in Iraq, but, as Saddam has not been caught, no WMDs have been found, and civilians are still dying by the dozens, most freethinking Earth Patriots are unsure of what his victory announcement really means. The Melbourne “Noise Pollution” issue grows, with the Espy, the Good Morning Captain, the Rainbow, and nearly every other venue in Brunswick and Fitzroy, is hit with complaints and fines. The InterwebMegalink is mysteriously omitted from the APRA awards, meaning that Kasey Chambers 'Not Pretty Enough' wins three awards, including Song of the Year. “Michael Jackson” and “Paul McCartney” are ominously silent about all issues, especially when asked about child sacrifice or interdimensional reptiles.

june:
Liam Lynch releases United States of Whatever and Fake Songs, with some of the most brilliant Rogue Studio vision we have seen for a long long time. ADM releases A D Machine Cat, a street-level preston-heavy hip-hop-de-force album with genuine artwork smuggled in from Nam by Dodgy Dj Dave, and, soon after, the nebulised techno-crash audiomancery of Joon and Girth. Simultaneously, the worlds first major-label-sponsored bastard pop track, Being Nobody, is released by Richard X, redefining CopyRites around the world. The Fair Go 4 Live Music coalition of the willing gathers momentum in their fight against the “Noise Pollution” fiasco, with their first meeting attracting over 1000 supporters. Benny Benassi releases “Satisfaction”, and Barry White dies. Coincidence?

july:
In a sure sign of the Quickening Endtimes, Rose Tattoo reform and start gigging again. As if that wasnt enough, the D-2003 announces she has “cancer”, guaranteeing her continued chart success, perhaps even an award of some kind. Reknowned enochian-worshipper Beyonces “Crazy in Love” unleashed upon the public, her angel-sponsored mind-tricks forcing the weak-willed to imitate her “imaginary-lasso-swinging-thumb-licking-cleavage-fondling dance”, resulting in numerous injuries; “whenever this writer - or anyone else who wasnt Beyonce, for that matter - tried to do the dance, I ended up punching myself in the face.”⁷ The Annunaki, obsessed with numerology and cosmological conjunction, force Nalan and A D MacHine to break up on the 13th of the 7th, 2(00)3. Fighting back, ADM creates some of the finest albums he's ever made.

august:
Plucky electrochicks B(if)tek release low-frequency meisterwerk “Frequencies will Move Together”, funded in part by the Australian Governments secret black research budget for the Arts. Dodgy Dj Dave moves into World-Famous Guitar and Plunger Studios, drastically altering the feng sui of the place with additional studios, phantsy electronic equipment, the worlds first megaphone-powered V-Box, and the universes only existing Synergistic Bitheremin. As if by galactic prompting, the Guitar and Plunger Ikon, missing for over a year, is reinstated in an utterly new form... The D-2003s Innocent Eyes still at top of album charts, sells more than 350,000 copies, but the only man capable of destroying such a cyborgistic terminatrix is too busy “running for Governator of Kalifornia”⁸ to save us. As if that wasnt bad enough, “Australian Idol” hits the tv screens, proving that the enochian mind-control agenda is spot on schedule. Interwebmegalink-associated acts are deliberately left out of Billboard awards, resulting in Fiddy Cent receiving four awards, despite everything. Meanwhile, Australias first ever international metal festival (the Destruction of Oz) is mysteriously cancelled due to “strange happenings” and “inexplicable odours”. Yog Sothoth is sighted briefly in Eltham⁹.

september:
Britney and Xtina kiss Madonna on MTV music awards, “which was about as sexy and provocative as Peter Costello doing the Macarena on Midday”¹⁰. Perhaps as a result, Johnny Cash dies, quickly followed by Slim Dusty. More speculation as to the level of Annunaki infiltration in popular music is fuelled when “DMX calls it quits in hip hop and says, I'm sick of this fucking business. Everyone is a snake"¹¹. New Horizons in Violence's short film “The World's Worst Leaders” goes through the proverbial roof, with more than 60,000 people downloading the track. Immediately, pictures of the members of NHIV appear on a deck of playing cards, and their studios are broken into; officials claim they are searching for Weapons of Mass Communication, but, to date, have not found any.

october:
The InterwebmegaLink deliberately blacklisted from the ARIA awards, resulting in the cancer-treated D-2003 receiving seven awards, and prompting ARIA host Rove McManus to comment that Delta had a “plan for total world domination, revealing a checklist that included the task kill all humans”(sic)¹². “Australian Idol” group release that terrible shitheap of extraterrestrial mindcontrol 'Rise Up', which of course goes straight to the top of the Australian charts. The Planet Earth quakes in mortal fear¹³.

november:
Despite mysterious forces omitting any interWebmegaLink acts yet again, Melbourne wins the majority of the awards at the Sydney Dance Music Awards. “Sydney says Congratulations. Melbourne says Up Yours, Pretty Boys.”¹⁴ As the Quickening fucks with our humyn sense of Time, Belinda Carlyle, the Human League, Kim Wilde and 1927 play Melbourne, as though they werent bad enough 20 years ago. Neil Young and Crazy Horse perform the finest show of music that Melbourne has seen in many years, almost making up for Belinda Carlyle, the Human League, Kim Wilde and 1927. The unstoppable pop-cyborg D-2003s album is by now 8 times platinum, and, in an unimaginable twist of fate beyond mortal ken, she is given permission by Yoko Ono to cover Lennons “Merry Xmas (War is Over)”. The Enochian-Annunaki agenda refuses Tone Loc and Young MC entrance to the country, so the “Legends of HipHop” tour is cancelled. The artist formerly known as “The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Prince” but now just known as Prince, plays an old-songs-only set in Melbourne, but it doesn't make up for all the Australian Idol and D-2003 shit. Mysteriously, no sightings of Ithaqua or Aquathi are reported at all¹⁵.

december:
Dj Food visits, as do stablemates Amon Tobin and Hexstatic, while Rogue Evangelists Public Enemy film a DVD at the Forum in Melbourne. Andrew Innes reveals to numerous music mags that “Tony Blair was, in fact, a lizard”¹⁶, backing up what David Icke's research has been suggesting for years. With the help of the Angel-Greys, self-confessed Enochian-worshipper Guy Sebastian manages to topple the media-morphing D-2003 from the top of the charts, replacing her with something many researchers fear is even more evil... Meanwhile, Dubya's “Operation Red Dawn” accidentally stumbles over Saddam Hussein in an underground spiderhole, and claims again that the war in Iraq is over, hoping we will all ignore the remarkable lack of WMDs. The weather goes crazy, and Melbourne sees record levels of heat, as the Melvins and Fantomas deliver one of the most powerful sets of manic loud tightness the world has ever seen. Bress finally releases his “Antichristmas” album, after two years in the making... and the year finally ends.

Top X International Singles of 2003:

jackos under pressure (single) - go home productions
satisfaction (single) - benny benassi presents the biz
united states of whatever (single) - liam lynch
hey ya (single) - outkast/the love below
crazy in love (single) - beyonce (ft jay z)
move your feet (single) - junior senior
gossip folks (single) - missy elliot

Top X International Albums of 2003:

some of my best friends are djs - kid koala
draft 7.30 - autechre
goodbye swingtime - the matthew herbert big band
flower with no colour - yoshimi and yuka
altered states of america - agoraphobic nosebleed
renegade platinum mega dance attack party: Don the Plates - bogdan raczynski
quebec - ween
the civil war - matmos
deathsentences of the polished and structurally weak - negativland
one word extinguisher - prefuse 73
heretic - morbid angel
antichristmas - bress

Top Y Local Releases of 2003:

the worlds worst leaders - new horizons in violence
...turnin dust into stars - a d macHine
le mort - the day everything became nothing
genital warfare - suicidal rap orgy
compop 3.5: “bastard pop” - buttress okneel
terrorism is the new black - jihad against america
lost in the real sky - curse ov dialect
f33nix - 0iM 6yV

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