As far as the Mayans were concerned, the Ek-Chuan were the ‘dope shit. But new evidence unearthed by the InterWebMegaLink suggests that perhaps the Ek-Chuan and their fiery ‘Scaly Helicopters were nothing more than the Elohim in fancy dress. As ludicrous as this theory sounds upon first hearing, there are certain points that seem to make some queer kind of sense.

For instance, the Mayan Ek-Chuan had an uncanny sense of timing, and could make even the latest entrance to a Sacrificial Blood-Ritual seem nothing less than utterly suave; so too, the Elohim possess a knack for precision that would make a particle-accelerator weep.

Similarly, both the Elohim and the Ek-Chuan were reknowned for their predilection for earth womyn, and their unsatiable scientific desire for “probing” their victims, quite often until the late evening.

Are these races the same? Or merely pretending to be for their own nefarious purposes? Or do they simply appear to be identical in this dimension, because we just cant sense all of their multidimensional differences?

We are determined to find out.

(The) Elder Times

The hystory of human life on Earth is often told as creation myths, but, as we all know, these myths were based on something deeper, something perhaps even “factual”. These myth-shrouded periods of humyn hystory are often referred to as the ‘Elder Times, ‘primohystory, or ‘the BeforeTimes.

“[A]round the world, we see the same tales of how one 'god' was instrumental in assisting humanity during creation, the great flood, bringing knowledge to humanity,” says reknowned channeler Estelle Nora Harwit Amrani. “All cultures have their own creation stories of the 'gods and goddesses,' beings on ships that came from the skies (often wearing masks or strange clothing and possessed some amazing abilities), giants (Anakim), war epochs between two sides of a family, and all over the Earth we also share very similar artwork, music and technology, largely based on extraterrestrial activity and intervention.

From Lemuria to Atlantis to Sumeria to Egypt.”

What was going on in the Elder Times? What were the Elohim, the Enochians and/or the Annunaki up to? Was it all just a set-up for the cosmik praktical joke that was to follow, the catastrophe that was to destroy millenia of advanced civilisation?

Or is the punchline still yet to come?

What ever really happened, it can be said with ‘definite ‘certainty that the Elder Times were as important to ‘us as they were to all of humynity.

(The) Endless Jam

refers to the state of being whereby sounds are used to create various effects, states of mind and/or ignored completely, but that could be accessed at any time by a perceptual shift in attention.

Often, this state is identical with that other state known as “Being Alive”.

As living beings with (as the case may be) hearing and sight, we are constantly being presented with a “composition”, either auditory or visual, or both (and so on for all the seven senses). As this planet is ruled by the laws of SuperPhysics (and the laws of the Enochians) and the direct random manipulations of the Ancient Ones, and thus follows strange and unpredictable courses of action, this constant “composition” is being “jammed out” “live”. If one opens ones Third Ear and changes ones perception of the universe, it is one big “found-sound” audio collage, one continuous psychedelic “musique concrete” improvisation from the first Big Bang to the last Big Crunch, with all the Big Solos in between.

As John Cage said in 1952, “living takes place each instant and that instant is always changing. The wisest thing to do is to open ones ears immediately and hear a sound suddenly before ones thinking has a chance to turn it into something logical, abstract or symbolical” (in Nyman, Experimental Music: Cage and Beyond, 1974)

You will, of course, realised that that is exactly what youve been doing all along. The InterWebMegaLink has merely provided you the name, the undeniable evidence, and a few laffs. Like Plato before us, we just put the name to what youve been hearing for years.

Right?

Electromancers

(The) Elohim

With their long, thin fingers, their silver saucer spaceships, and their reputation for abducting earth womyn for “probing”, one could be mistaken for thinking the Elohim were simply the Enochians wearing Groucho Marx noses. Indeed, there is a school of preternatural thinkers who form a relatively convincing argument that the Elohim are actually a doppelganger-species to the Enochians, and could actually be the “relatively good” mirror to their “definite evil”.

There is a smaller, though still convinced, group of scientists who have recently suggested that the Elohim and the Enochians are in fact the same extradimensional race of suprabeings, merely playing “good cop / bad cop”. Although on first hearing this appears quite plausible, on further examination it bears three fatal flaws, which we will go into another time.

Let it be said that, whatever the actual species the Elohim turn out to be, they have an enormous portfolio of earth shares, diversified throughout the Universal Megaconspiracy.

They have, many times throughout hystory, been mistaken for angels; sometimes even gods. They deny any godhood status vehemently...

Maybe a little too vehemently.

Enochian-greys (1)

the kind of supradimensional alien made famous by Communion, Chariots of the Gods, the X-Files and South Park, the typical Enochian-Grey is short, thin, has no perceptible flavour, and prefers Justin Timberlake to Robbie Williams - but either will suffice. Hugely telepathic, the Enochians never speak out loud, preferring to physically travel their audiences neural pathways; similarly, an Enochian-Grey never misses a joke, never has to book a restaurant, and never has to ask 50 Cent to repeat himself. This telepathic power extends over 200 kilometres, and can be successfully used to control livestock, to destroy short term memory, to force humyns to become mindless servants, to destroy short term memory, and to destroy short term memory.
Coupled with this intense mental control over humyns is the similarly intense (yet mysterious) desire to leave a good impression; abductees invariably describe their captors as benevolent, despite many hours of painful anal probing. Perhaps this is the root of the Enochians megalomania; the Greys feel so inadequate and unsure of themselves that they have the subconscious need to control the entire universe. Several Miskatonik Universities have sent their finest exopsychologists and galacticounsellors to Roswell and offerred to attempt treating the captive Enochians there, hoping to alleviate their intergalactic insecurity, but all have so far been refused entry.

Given this obsessive-compulsive complex to master the Multiverse, one would imagine the Enochians would be slave to no-one; but it is partly because of their insecurities that they are currently controlled by the infradimensionesque Annunaki space-reptiles, as expertly as the Enochians control most humyns. It is also due to the imperfections in the Greys technology that they must serve the giant extradimensional lizards.

Although their “ships” can travel up to 161,000 kmph (in Earth atmosphere), can manipulate gravity itself, can turn invisible and/or pass through solid objects, and automatically disable all electrical systems nearby, the average Enochian still cannot read any written humyn language, cannot communicate by TV, internet, phone or radio, cannot eat or drink, are particularly susceptible to perfumes, gases, smokes, scents and odours, and are far less dextrous than the Annunaki (and, luckily, most humyns).

“One abductee foiled an abduction by wrapping herself with string, which the aliens could not remove. Neither the grays nor the reptilians have been able to remove a thought screen helmet secured with tape or string.”

Michael Menkin, world-famous designer of the ThoughtScreen, in aliensandchildren.org

Possibly originating from Sirius, it is widely suspected that it is the Enochians who created all religions, all the ancient stone monoliths, and all known varieties of line-dancing.

Enochian-greys (2)

A relatively-common breed of chicken, lesser known in the Northern Hemisphere than in Australia. An excellent layer, an average enochian-grey can yield greater egg stock than most other breeds of a similar size, and are quiet, loyal, with a beautiful grey angora-like colour and texture to the feathering which makes them a delight, both to look at, and to pat.

Loyal, child-friendly, and remarkably robust.

Exometaphorlogy

The preternatural study of the effects metaphors have on the universe, and the feedback loop than can occur when ones metaphors say something better than the universe couldve.

Understandably, leads inevitably to the Dark Notes and Forbidden Beats, and to the Ancient Ones themselves.

(The) Great Ones

Ambassadors for the Outer Gods, or missionaries from the Demon-Sultan Azathoth, the Great Ones sure know how to act all aloof and mysterious. Each has been worshipped (or merely feared) by early humyns at various times in earths hystory, and each has access to mutually-exclusive Wisdom; no two Great Ones know the same things. Similarly, no two Great Ones look the same either; though most Great Ones look like elongated humyns, with long narrow eyes, long-lobed ears, long thin fingers, and long pointed chins, there are many who look like nothing remotely approximating humynity. Several have heads dangling from the undersides of their scaly-bullock-like torsos; a few more have a dozen or more insectoid legs, at least three compound eyes, and disturbingly swollen, silk-producing, arachnid-like abdomens.

No matter the chosen Physical Form, Great Ones are never seen in anything but the most stylish clothes from boutique salons not of this world, and have virtually unlimited credit.

They only ever drink cocktails.

Several of the Great Ones have deigned to speak to Humynkind, mainly just to get into bed with our husbands and wives. Karakal, forever encircled by flames, can start fires at will, and prefers red wine to white; Lord Lobon always carries with him a Silver Spear and a Blank Cheque; Nath-Horthath appears as a black-skinned humyn with blond hair, pupilless silver eyes, at least one lion, and the entire works of Bobby McFerrin; Tamash is illusionist extraordinaire, and has never missed an episode of The Simpsons; and the silver-skinned god of birth and death, Zo-Kalar refuses to buy anything at McDonalds except the chips.

Hastur the Unnameable

"I found myself faced by names and terms that I had heard elsewhere in the most hideous of connexions – Yuggoth, Great Cthulhu, Tsathoggua, Yog-Sothoth, Rlyeh, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Hastur, Yian, Leng, the Lake of Hali, Bethmoora,the Yellow Sign, Lmur-Kathulos, Bran, and the Magnum Innominandum...”

H.P.Lovecraft (our italics)

and

“There is a whole secret cult of evil men (a man of your mystical erudition will understand me when I link them with Hastur and the Yellow Sign) devoted to the purpose of tracking them down and injuring them on behalf of the monstrous powers from other dimensions.”

H.P.Lovecraft

Isnt that enough?

(The) Haunter of the Dark

One of Nyarlathoteps more common choices of incarnation, the Haunter is a bowel-looseningly large black-winged “creature” that drips burning fluids as it flies, setting fire to large areas of land and smelling of cigarettes. Still generally good-natured, this particular apparition tends to be a little more bloodthirstily violent than other manifestations of Nyarlathotep, and tells far less mother-in-law jokes.

It is most easily recognised by its three-lobed burning eye, its distinct lack of any other facial features, and enormous amount of land it sets ablaze.

(The) Howler in Darkness

Another of Nyarlathoteps terrestrial forms, this three-legged squid-bear-slug-elephant is one of the fucking ugliest things I have ever seen. Man, it is obscene.

Humusic

(The) Humyn Race

Hypergeometry

Hyperzoology

Hystory

Hziulquoigm-nzhah

The Paternal Uncle to Tsathsoggua, as hard as that is to believe. This creature dwells on Saturn, and may be able to live anywhere on that planets Crystal Sphere (Smith, 1931).

Hziulquoigm-nzhah prefers to only Contact individuals that he selects according to his own extraterrestrial agenda; it is believed one of these Contactees may have been Arthur “C” Clarke, resulting in the 2001 trilogy; another of these limited Contactees is alleged to have been Abdul Alhazred.

Hziulquoigm-nzhah is neither blue nor red, has a perfectly spherical body, is unable to recite Shakepeare at any length whatsoever, and has a head that not only dangles from the underside of his body, but is impervious to asphalt.

It is not clear who Tsathogguas other Uncles are, but there is an evolving body of work suggesting they are the Bee Gees.

This seems highly improbable.